A film in serious need of some heart resuscitation...
rating: 1
I should have known that this was going to be pretty bad, but I was blinded by the idea of Bob Hoskins and Denzel Washington doing a movie together. Sure, neither are especial favorites of mine, but both are very fine actors who generally hold my interest and entertain me. After watching this dreadful film I read that Washington soon after fired filming fired his agent (who was responsible for coercing him into doing the film) and I completely understand why. Luckily this film didn't really hurt their careers (every actor has one or two skeletons haunting their resumes) but this is surely the lowest point for each of them.
The idea behind `Heart Condition' is one that has been tampered with before and done much better at that. Hoskins plays Police Officer Jack Moony. He's a racist and a slob and suffers from a heart attack that will kill him unless he gets a heart transplant. Washington plays Stone, a lawyer whom Moony despises who winds up killed and since Moony and Stone are `blood brothers' (in that they share the same blood type) Moony ends up with Stone's heart. He gets more than a heart though; he also gets Stone's soul or ghost that follows him everywhere he goes. Stone is convinced he was murdered and so he tries to get Moony to investigate and find his killer. Moony is hesitant, because he racist and hates Stone, but he eventually gives in mainly because he knows that Stone won't leave him alone until he does.
The acting is decent at best. Hoskins is good at playing the gruff tough guy and at times channels a DeVito quality that makes even the simplest gesture funny. He feels forced and muddled here though. There are maybe a handful of funny scenes, maybe even less than that, and Hoskins winds up coming off as a watered down version of his iconic `Who Framed Roger Rabbit?' performance. Washington is not in his element here (it's hard to believe he had just won an Oscar for `Glory' when you watch this film) but he tries, as does Hoskins, to elevate the film. Neither of them can, but try they do so they deserve some props for that.
Chloe Webb delivers an atrocious performance as escort Crystal Gerrity. Crystal is the romantic interest for both Moony and Stone and she also knows a thing or two about Stone's murder. Predictable, I know, but what else would you expect. As formulistic or gimmicky as her character is, her performance could have at least been palatable. It is not. Her performance is a terrible mess.
I can't in all good sense recommend this movie to anyone. The plot is contrived, the acting is sub par and the script is ridiculously unfunny. It had the potential to really be funny or at least entertaining, but it became so clichéd and generic and utterly forgettable and that there is no reason at all to waste your time with this mess of a film. There are plenty of `buddy comedies' (regardless of what you think, that's exactly what this is) out there today that are leagues ahead of this one.
Just think; you haven't heard of this movie before, right?
There's a reason for that.
|
Heart Attack!
rating: 1
Beware of purported "comedies" with big-name stars but a no-name director. You might just get burned.HEART CONDITION (1990) fits that cautionary note all too well. Starring Bob Hoskins, coming right off his star-making role in the innovative, popular and wonderful WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT (1998), and Denzel Washington, coming right off his Oscar-winning supporting performance in GLORY (1989)---one of the greatest films of all time, by the way---this mismatched nightmare of a "comedy" was directed by no-name James D. Parriot; actually misdirected is a more accurate description. Having looked like a spritely, funny romp from the commercial trailers on TV, I rented it soon after it first became available on video. Boy, how wrong trailers can be! At the very beginning, during the opening credits, I was immediately puzzled by the tone of the film, as it appeared dark and out-of-focus, certainly not the "spritely funny romp" I had expected. But it got worse---much worse as it went along. Bob Hoskins stars as racist L.A. cop Jack Moony who chases burgler Napoleon Stone (Denzel Washington), then suffers a major heart attack; so major, in fact, that he needs to undergo a transplant, stat! Well, unbeknowst to Jack (at first), bad ol' Nappy Stone got killed soon after (don't ask me how, it was so long and so much interest ago), and---whaddya know!---he's got the same exact blood type as the racist cop, so the surgeon transplants his heart into Jack! Ho, ho. Oh, and for whatever unknown reason, Stone's ghost begins to follow Moody wherever he goes, demanding justice for his murder. They argue, occasionally fight (usually in front of perplexed onlookers who stare at the pudgy police officer apparently wrestling with himself), and before long---surprise, surprise!---become unlikely friends. Oh, and somewhere along the line, they (I think) actually get around to finding out who did Napoleon Stone in, but by that time, we're long past the point of caring. Some of HEART CONDITION'S numerous major flaws: 1) It's not funny; in fact, it is desperately unfunny. A film that is billed as a comedy---which HEART CONDITION clearly was, as it featured a scene where Hoskins is wrestling a hamburger from ghost Denzel and the camera shows the third-person perspective of Hoskins wrestling with himself. 2) The visual aspect is all muddy, and completely wrong for a comedy. 3) The *sound* is muddled; sometimes it is impossible to hear some of the lines of dialogue, particularly from obligatory female romantic interest Crystal Gerrity (Chloe Webb, in what is among the very worst all-time performances by a film actress). 4) This movie was made as an obvious quick cash-in on Bob Hoskin's newfound success in WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT (see #1 for the particular scene that was featured most prominently in the movie's trailer). 5) The acting performances are, by and large, awful. Hoskins pretty much plays the same character as he did in WFRR; however, his character here is more blustery, bullying (not to mention racist) and completely unlikable. Washington, so marvelous in CRY FREEDOM (1987) and GLORY, I'm sure would like this movie dropped from his resume, as it makes him look like a horrible actor. Roger E. Mosley, the veteran African-American actor who has done some great work in his career (such as the 1979 Peter Strauss TV-movie THE JERICHO MILE, plus the popular TV show "Magnum, P.I." as well as the excellent 1992 Ray Liotta psycho-cop thriller UNLAWFUL ENTRY), here plays Hoskins' captain and is basically used as a prop (ho, ho, the racist cop's boss is black). As for Chloe Webb, please see #3. Well, there you have my 2 cents on this POS. If you want to subject yourself to 100 slow minutes of bad cinema that passes like 200, then by all means go waste your time with HEART CONDITION. You have been warned; it comes with a no-laugh guarantee (non-refundable). AVOID
|
